Thursday, July 24, 2008

The Cocksman Never Stops Exploring

The Cocksman recognizes that vaginas can be found all over the world in a variety of situations and he must press his way into that new vaginal territory. The Cocksman knows that different holders of vaginas are found in a large assortment of not only areas, but also circumstances. As previously stated, The Cocksman values diversity, and the chance to interact with a new species of vagina makes his heart quiver. The Cocksman recognizes it is his duty to pursue these vaginas as if they were filled with sunshine and candy canes. Fight on, Cocksmen!

I should make it clear that The Cocksman thrives on adventure, not only of the vaginal category, but all kinds. When The Cocksman is offered an opportunity of new sights, new experiences and possibly new vaginas, he does not let it pass him by. There are several reasons why The Cocksman is so deadset on embarking into uncharted waters. First, The Cocksman simply loves to blaze new trails. There is just something in his blood that pushes him onward. Second, The Cocksman is on a neverending quest in search of the perfect vagina. The Cocksman knows that in this hunt, he must leave no stone unturned, no pubes uninspected, if he his to have any hope of success. Finally, exploration and adventure make The Cocksman a more captivating person to all people and their genitalias, which is a major component of Cocksmanship. The Cocksman should be able to win over any group with his charm, tales of exploration and unabashed sexuality. It is for all of these reasons that The Cocksman never stops exploring.

Example A: The last thing Bran wanted to do was run around with Mikey, Data, Chunk and Mouth, but when he found out they were going on a treasure hunt and that Andy, the hot cheerleader, was going to be there, he set off to following them. No obstacle was going to keep him from participating, not even being tied to a chair or having the air let of his bike tires. When he finally caught up with them, they were headed into the tunnels under the Fratelli's house. Bran knew that going underground to chase after the treasure wasn't a safe bet, but he knew there was potential for this to be a caper for the ages, as well as a chance to steal Andy's heart and maybe get into her panties. It'll be no surprise to you that everything worked out for Bran as he handled himself like a true Cocksman.

Example B: Gary and Wyatt were working on creating a computer program that would design the perfect woman. Partway through, they agreed that this was too much power for them to have as it would certainly create some wild times, which they weren't up to handling. They decided to destroy the program and never speak of it again. As a result, they never made Lisa, she never confronted Chet, there was no rager and the boys never got girlfriends, all because of their lack of Cocksmanship at an early age.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Cocksman Always Has Options

Like a good poker player, The Cocksman makes sure that he has outs in case things don't go according to plan. While there are times when The Cocksman will pledge himself to one vagina, it normally isn't enough to keep him happy. The Cocksman must keep in mind that said vagina may move on to another Cock or it may simply dry up, forcing him to head to other vaginal territories. Knowing of this possibility, The Cocksman always keeps a vagina on the back burner.

The manner in which The Cocksman accomplishes this interesting task is quite simple. The Cocksman maintains a flirting relationship with a variety of vagina holders, always keeping them interested, but never giving in to temptation until the time is right. This includes keeping a friendly association with the holders of those vaginas who The Cocksman has previously entered, as he knows they often lust for the satisfaction that only The Cocksman can give. When it is time for The Cocksman to header for less bushy pastures, he calls upon whichever of these vaginas he finds most desireable and, if rejected, simply works his way down the list. It may be difficult to maintain this type of lifestyle, but that's the duty of The Cocksman.

Example A: John had been banging Nancy for several years, but he still had concerns about the possibility of her returning to Dale. To entice the other ladies around town, he continued working out, kept providing massages and migraine treatements to the women of Arlen and rocking the Jeep Wrangler. When Nancy finally headed back to her husband, Charlene, who Bill had been chasing, moved in with John and gave him all the vagina he could handle. John was satisfied in how following the path of The Cocksman had paid off.

Example B: Gomez was understandably obsessed with Morticia and her neatly trimmed vagina. He failed to maintain any sort of relationship with any woman not a member of his family while engaged in this relationship. One day, he realized he had grown tired of her increasingly stretched vagina (which he later learned was due to an ongoing affair with Lurch) and decided to move on. Unfortunately, his failure to obey a most basic rule of Cocksmanship resulted in an extended dry streak as he was forced to warm up various holders of vaginas from the very beginning. He swore to himself he'd never challenge the code of The Cocksman again.

The Cocksman Shall Not Disguise His Intentions

From the first interaction with a holder of the vagina, The Cocksman exudes a raw sexual energy. The Cocksman does this primarily with his eyes, body language and his oral statements. The eyes of The Cocksman will look up and down the holder of the vagina's body, make eye contact with her, then shoot the glance back down to the vagina and hold it for three seconds, which has been to known to cause an instantaneous full-body orgasm. The body language of The Cocksman is laid back, sending out a "come hither" vibe combined with a message of fertility. The statements The Cocksman make let the holder of the vagina know that The Cocksman finds her attractive and will allow her to make a temporary home on The Cock if she so desires. These statements can range from "you're looking sexy" to "I can tell you want me to take off my pants" and everything in between. These three things, eyes, body language and spoken statements are critical to The Cocksman's success.

This sexual energy of The Cocksman ensures that the holder knows where, if she chooses, her vagina is headed. There are no mistakes about the beginning of a friendly relationship or other non worthwhile endeavors. The Cocksman lays his cards on the table and lets the holder of the vagina make her move. Often, her move is shoving the cards onto the floor and engaging in intercourse with The Cocksman on the table.

Example A: Bo and Daisy were stuck in the barn waiting for Luke to arrive when Bo commented on how nicely Daisy's shorts seemed to be fitting. After an extended glance, a little smirk, Daisy responded with, "Bo, are you hitting on me?" Startled, Bo quickly came up with an explanation and denied it even though he had wanted to bang Daisy since they were nine years old and learned that it was okay for third cousins to have sex. Disappointed, Daisy and turned her back and waited for her next session with Uncle Jesse. Bo's inability to step up to the plate and be a Cocksman forced him into another moonshine induced masturbation session in the back of The General Lee.

Example B: Six barged into the Russo's house and hurriedly asked where Blossom was. Joey informed her that Blossom was out learning to drive with her dad. Disappointed, Six turned to leave, but Joey caught her by the hand and informed her that, although her new hat with some sort of fruit on the front of it looked good, it would look even better at the foot of his bed. With that, he led her upstairs, and, without a word exchanged (with the exception of a "whoa" here and there), they engaged in a passionate round of love making that actually managed to slow down Six's famed fast talking. Whoa Joey, that was Cocksmanly!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Cocksman Values Diversity

In this rule, diversity should be applied in two ways. First, The Cocksman appreciates a variety of holders of vaginas that differ in important ways. Second, The Cocksman thrives on different types of sexual activity. We'll tackle each aspect in a separate paragraph.

It's not uncommon to encounter a person who has very specific requirements for a qualified holder of the vagina (e.g. skinny white girls). While The Cocksman can respect the qualities of the women with these requirements, he also recognizes that many different types of holders have different things to offer. The Cocksman would liken this approach to restricting himself to one type of holder of the vagina forever to restricting oneself to one type of food forever. While the spiciness of a Latina/burrito is great at times, The Cocksman understands that the richness of a Chicken Marsala/Italiana or the freshness of a Dragon Roll/Japanesa can offer equally wonderful, unique experiences.

Some people live by the cliche' "If it ain't broke, don't try to fix it." The Cocksman thinks those people are idiots. If The Cocksman lived his life in that way, he'd still be stuck with Missionary intercourse for the rest of his days. While Missionary is fun here and there, The Cocksman realizes that other positions, as well as other types of sexual activity, offer different types of satisfaction and help to keep interactions with holders of the vagina interesting.

Example A: After Winnie starts her job as a lifeguard, Kevin got a job at the furniture store. Based on his more recent conversations with Winnie, it's pretty obvious that she's got something else going on, but Kevin refuses to give up. When one of the hotter saleswomen at the furniture store pulled Kevin in for a kiss and offered up The Union of The Monkey as a starting point, he replied "No thanks, cowgirl with Winnie is the only way for me." Paul was so disappointed with Kevin's vaginamanship that he stole a page out of Wayne's book and smacked him in the back of head while berating him for being such a "butthead."

Example B: While Alex had a reputation for being extremely conservative in politics, it definitely was not the case when it came to the ladies. He wanted all kinds, except anybody who resembled Mallory. He knew what he wanted, so he performed a stakeout operation on the exchange students. In no time, he had a new girl for every night of the week who brought fresh foods, new positions and a renewed freakiness. In the end, he was so successful that Jay-Z wrote "Girls, Girls, Girls" as an homage to APK. That's cocksmanship fo' real.

Friday, June 27, 2008

The Cocksman shall use his Cockvision appropriately

Much like a Pro Bowl Running Back, a Cocksman uses his field vision to make the most of every situation. When walking down the street, The Cocksman keeps his eyes peeled waiting for signals for holders of vaginas indicating their interest. Potential signs include slight touches, extensive eye contact or laughing at bad jokes. When The Cocksman uses his Cockvision and picks up these signs, he makes the most of the opportunities presented to him.

On top of making the most of every situation wherever he is at, The Cocksman does his best to immerse himself in areas where there will be maximum acceptable vaginas. Again, referring to the running back simile, it's like following his blockers to ensure he makes it to the end zone. This means that, instead of hanging out in the free weight area of the gym , The Cocksman would head to the beach or college campus to maximize potential intercoursal relations. Cockvision is obviously much more valuable when there are more vaginal prospects about.

Example A: Brad kept pestering Randy to go down to the arcade for a Street Fighter II Tournament. Reluctantly, Randy went along even though he knew that the only chance he had of hooking up there was with that one Asian chick whose brother who lives on the DDR machine. On the way over, Randy noticed a group of girls heading to the school dance. He pleaded with Brad to skip the arcade and go with them, but Brad really wanted to show Mark and some of the guys that he could beat anyone with Ryu. After a quick victory over Blanca, Brad was entranced and couldn't be disturbed. Once Randy realized this, he snuck out the side door and bailed to the school dance where he ended up fingering one of the cheerleaders that Brad had been wanting to hook up with. Cocksmanship takes work, and it looks like the effort Randy put in is paying dividends.

Example B: Jimmy and Sheen were hanging out playing with Sheen collection of UltraLords when Cindy and Libby showed. Cindy put her hand on top of Jimmy's and made some comments about how she wanted to show Jimmy how she used a "special new invention I found in my mom's top drawer." Unfortunately, Jimmy was too focused on Sheen's newest action figure and failed to recognize these not so subtle signs. Jimmy's Cockvision is clearly not 20/20.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

The Cocksman Shall Always Be Prepared

A Cocksman realizes that holders of vaginas appear at all different times and it's not always possible to know when one is looking to fill said vagina. It is for this reason that the Cocksman is always ready for an encounter with a desirable holder of a vagina. Nothing frustrates The Cocksman more than destroying the possible chance for intercourse with a prospect purely as a result of unpreparedness.

Preparation, in this rule, is in reference to acting, dressing and embodying what it is to be a Cocksman at all times. Essentially, The Cocksman practices good Cocksmanship everywhere he goes. It doesn't matter whether he's hungover, on his way to the gym or heading to a club, The Cocksman is ready. In addition to the possible vaginal opportunities, The Cocksman recognizes that he represents all his fellow Cocksmen when he enters a public arena and, by defining himself as a Cocksman, he has inherently promised to properly represent them everywhere he goes.

Example A: Following a light night hookup with Jan at the local Chili's, Michael headed back to his condo. He knew he had to meet with his realtor, Carol, the following morning at 9 am to sign some mortgage documents. Although he had been out late with Jan and was understandably worn out, Michael set his alarm for 7:30 am, woke up, showered, trimmed his pubes, put on his fun jeans, a tight t-shirt and sprayed a bit of Nightswept onto himself. Not surprisingly, the paper signing turned into getting a coffee, which, a couple of hours later, led to a "nooner." Practicing good Cocksmanship has its benefits.

Example B: Frank had noticed that he was catching eyes from both Jenna and Liz, but had yet to make a move on either in hopes he could bag both. Following the Friday TGS show, Frank found himself staying late to work on Tracy's pornographic video game when Jenna knocked on the door. Although he was tired, it was clear Jenna was ready for action and he wasn't going to disappoint her. Following the intercourse, they both headed to their separate homes. The next morning, Frank awoke, put on his "Extra Cheese" hat and drug himself to the local diner for some eggs and coffee. Surprisingly enough, he ran into Liz, who, when she saw him from a distance, began doing her sexy walk in hopes of seducing him. However, when she got closer, she saw that Frank was unshaven, unshowered and she swore she could smell Jenna's unfresh vagina all over his moustache. Immediately, she made up an excuse about having to meet a friend at the movies and swore to herself she'd never touch Frank's penis. Frank, you're a disgrace to Cocksmen everywhere.

Friday, May 30, 2008

The Cocksman shall facilitate the use of a fellow Cock

The Cocksman understands the importance of regular Cock usage, not only with respect to his own Cock, but also the Cocks of his allies. There are times when a Cocksman sacrifices his chances at entering a vagina in hopes of benefiting a fellow Cock. It must be noted that there is a major difference between failing to sabotage a fellow Cock and facilitating its use. Failure to sabotage just means not actively destroying chances of another Cock, while facilitation involves more of a conscious and active effort by The Cocksman to help his ally achieve insertion.

There are a basically two methods of facilitation that a Cocksman can use to promote the use of a fellow cock. First is the affirmative method. Essentially, the Cocksman will provide his ally with advice about what to do as well as doing things to make the ally look good, such as talking the ally up to the targeted holder of the vagina. The second method is more passive and known as the yielding method. When using the yielding method, The Cocksman just tries to get out of the way to allow his ally to work by doing things like leaving the ally and the holder of the vagina alone and neglecting to interact with either. Both methods are well respected in all legitimate Cocksmanship circles.

Example A: Cory had been interested in Topanga since they had been lab partners in Mr. Feeney's sixth grade class. Cory's best friend, Shawn, was well known as the Cocksman of the school and was always there for Cory. Shawn, after watching Cory embarrass himself on repeated occasions, decided to take control. Topanga came over for one of Eric's parties, where Shawn counseled Cory on what to say, isolated Topanga and told her of some of Cory's wonderful qualities (affirmative). Eventually, Shawn suggested that he, Cory and Topanga check out Cory's pet hamster in his room. When they were all safely inside, Shawn excused himself to the bathroom, never to return (yielding). In a matter of minutes, Cory had his hands on Topanga's wonderfully developed boobies, all thanks to Shawn. Cory's lucky to have a Cocksman like Shawn for a friend.

Example B: SpongeBob, Patrick and Sandy were all hanging out at SpongeBob's pineapple watching "The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy" when it became clear that SpongeBob was making a move on Sandy. Patrick noticed that SpongeBob kept inching closer to Sandy on the couch and repeatedly touching her leg and realized he was finally doing what he had talked about for so long. However, Patrick loved this particular episode of "Mermaid Man" and refused to excuse himself even after SpongeBob pleaded for him to while Sandy was in the bathroom. Patrick, if I was your father, I would disown you for your egregious failure to practice the most basic, simple rules of Cocksmanship.

The Cocksman shall not blame the holder of the vagina for his failure to satisfy the demands of The Cock

Referring to a holder of the vagina by derogatory terms such as "rug-muncher" or "whore" simply because she isn't interested in forming an intercoursal relationship is a sure indicator that the pursuer/defamer is not a Cocksmanlike move. The Cocksman knows that when he fails to gain insertion into the vaginal chamber, the holder of the vagina is not the one to be blamed. Rather than making excuses or attacking his rejectors, The Cocksman takes responsibility for his shortcomings.

When The Cocksman is unsuccessful, it only motivates him to improve himself in preparation for his next attempt at vagina. The Cocksman realizes that not all approaches will be victorious and uses those otherwise disappointing experiences to improve himself. The Cocksman realizes that the fact that a holder of the vagina wasn't interested in experiencing The Cock is not an indicator of her negative value as a person.

Example A: Alf had been after Lynn ever since he moved in with the Tanners. Over the course of several weeks, Alf continually upped his flirting, starting with light touches on the arm to lingering paws on her ass. When he finally tricked her into coming into the attic and she rejected his advances, he went into a tirade referring to her a "cocktease" and " a dumb bitch." Not only has Alf ruined a good relationship, he's established that he's not a Cocksman.

Example B: After a brief makeout session with Maybe, George Michael decided it was time to finally close the deal. He was sick of Anne and needed a change in his life. Maybe had always been the kind of girl who admired a bold man, so George Michael came up with a plan. When she showed up for work at the banana stand, he was standing inside, pantsless, fully erect and awaiting her touch. Unfortunately, she was still interested in Steve and refused to fondle George Michael. Disappointed, but still a Cocksman, George Michael accepted her decision, put on his pants, continued to interact with Maybe while devising another strategy to get her, or at least someone hotter than Anne, into his bunk bed.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Cocksman Shall Not Sabotage the Use of a Fellow Cock

This doesn't mean that The Cocksman won't interfere in any male to holder of the vagina interaction, it just simply means he won't do so for the purpose of destroying the other male's chances. The Cocksman wants to see success in satisfying the cravings of The Cock, not only with his personal Cock, but with those of his brethren as well. While, at times, it may be tempting for The Cocksman to stroke his own ego by showing that, if he wanted the holder of the vagina, he could have her, but The Cocksman must resist that urge.

If The Cocksman legitimately believes he can ascertain the vagina and desires to have it, then he should, by all means, intervene. The Cocksman must analyze his purpose in making the approach and if it's fueled primarily by the urge to seduce the holder of the vagina rather than the the longing to show up her current pursuer, then he shouldn't be wary of upsetting another male (Cocksman or not). In fact, holding back and not interacting with the holder of the vagina in that type of situation may even be considered unCocksmanly.

Example A: Fred and Barney were seniors at Bedrock High and both noticed the new girl, Betty, immediately. She had the finest tits either had ever laid eyes on and an ass to match. After a few seconds of shock, Barney introduced himself and began laying on the charm. Fred, who had been married to Wilma since Freshman year, couldn't stand the thought of his loser friend banging a hotter chick than him, so he promptly interrupted their conversation with lies and embarrassing stories about Barney. Even though Barney's efforts were ultimately successful, Fred's lack of Cocksmanship is just plain embarrassing.

Example B: Once Mike's parents left town, he decided he needed to throw a kickass party. After convincing Ben to go to a friend's house and agreeing to allow Carol to invite her friends over, it was on. Once the party began, it became clear that Julie, the girl Mike had hoped to hook up with, wasn't into him, but that wasn't going to stop him from trying. Boner had wanted to bang Julie for a while and noticed her making eyes at him, so he made his move. It wasn't long before Boner took her up to Jason and Maggie's room and lived up to his nickname. Played like a true Cocksman, Boner. Good work!

The Cocksman Shall Not Call "Dibs"

The Cocksman embraces competition for vagina. More accurately, he thrives on it. The Cocksman recognizes that the battle for the vagina will improve his ability to attract, force him to rise to the challenge and bring him closer to those embarking on the same quest as he. By calling "dibs," the pursuer has essentially admitted to being the less Cocksmanly and unable to compete with any of his allies. Not only is this a depressing admission, it's also an extremely selfish move, putting his non-Cocksmanly self pleasures (that he likely won't attain anyways) above his allies.

The Cocksman knows that, in a competition for vagina, the most Cocksmanly of the bunch usually wins and The Cocksman gladly accepts that. In fact, The Cocksman embraces it because, as a true Cocksman, it means he's going to be able to attain the vagina the vast majority of the time. The Cocksman isn't selfish, doesn't shy away from competition and is always looking to improve his Cocksmanship, thus, he doesn't call "dibs."

Example A: Leo, Raf and Donatello were hanging out in the Sewer watching some TV while Michaelangelo focused on scarfing down pizza in the next room. Eventually, the news came on and the gang got their first look at the sexy, sophisticated April O'Neil. Just as they were recovering from the shock of her beauty, Raf screamed out "Dibs!" even though it was clear they were all interested. After getting to know all of them, April snubbed Raf and repeatedly asked Leo to show her his sword. Unfortunately, Leo respected Raf's call and sacrificed his own pleasure to maintain the friendship. Raf, fuck you and your unCocksmanly ways!

Example B: Ponch and Jon walked into the station to find a gorgeous new dispatcher working the front desk. Without a word, both knew what the other was thinking about ways to make an entrance into that vagina. They smiled at each other when Jon whispered, "it's on." After putting on his tightest pair of pants and showing off a few motorcycle moves, Ponch took her into the evidence room and closed the deal. When he ran into Jon a few hours later, a high five was exchanged and tips were traded. The competition not only made them both better Cocksmen, but also better friends.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Cocksman shall not use dishonesty or trickery to satisfy the thirst of The Cock

The Cocksman doesn't revert to disgraceful tactics, such as falsely promising the holder of the vagina he wants to date her or purposely getting her hammered in hopes he'll be able to take advantage of her. The Cocksman's method should be so excellent that it's unnecessary for him to make untrue promises or use drugs to impair the holder of the vagina's judgment. If the alleged Cocksman's game is not good enough, by itself, to convince the holder of the vagina to grant The Cock entrance, then the alleged Cocksman should work on self-improvement rather than focusing on dishonorable misdirection tactics. The true Cocksman would rather go without intercourse than revert to such antics.

In the same vein, The Cocksman won't purchase the holder of the vagina items with the expectation that she will repay him with mouth to Cock insertion or any other sort of sexual activity. The Cocksman doesn't expect or treat every vagina as if it's available for the right price. This isn't to say that The Cocksman never acquires anything for a holder of the vagina. If The Cocksman genuinely likes the holder of the vagina and simply wants to get her a drink, that is acceptable, but the intention must be analyzed. If the reason he buys her a drink is so that the holder of the vagina will owe him something in return, his Cocksmanship status must be revoked.

Example A: Joey and Rachel went out for a friendly dinner. Even before the drinks arrived, Joey was in the zone. Rachel began giving various indicators of interest, including laughing at all of his jokes and repeatedly touching him. Joey was having such a great time with her, he decided to pick up the check, with no expectations about any later action. To show her appreciation, Rachel slid under the table, unzipped Joey's pants and orally satisfied him in a way previously unknown. Being a Cocksman really does pay off!

Example B: Jefferson, unsatisfied with Marcy, decided to make a move on Kelly. In his first attempt at seducing her, he bought her a bottle of Boone's. When he brought it over, Kelly was ecstatic. They quickly guzzled it down while chatting, seated in the back of Al's Dodge. When Jefferson began moving his leg up Kelly's thigh, she pulled back and rejected him. Jefferson, upset, insisted that she needed to pleasure him if she expected to ever get him to buy it for her again. When this didn't work, Jefferson began forcing more wine into her, in hopes she would become so obliterated that she'd admit his Cock entry into one of her several holes. Your poor Cocksmanship disgusts me, Mr. Darcy. It's no wonder you ended up with Marcy.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

The Cocksman shall recognize the worth of The Cock

The Cocksman needs to understand that while vagina is fun, The Cock is number one. The Cocksman need not, and will not, chase after vagina as though somewhere within that sweetly scented compartment lies the secret to enlightenment. The Cocksman understands that The Cock is the true prize and should be treated accordingly. Now, some of you may be confused, so let me clarify. I certainly don't mean that The Cocksman is actually a homosexual who is after The Cocks of others. I just mean that The Cocksman is aware of the fact that the holder of the vagina is getting just as much, probably more, out of the envisioned intercoursal relationship. The Cocksman must pursue the vagina, to a degree, but there is a fine line between showing he is intrigued with the possibility and appearing desperate, a line which The Cocksman should never even approach, for toeing that line is certain to, eventually, put him into uncocksmanlike territory.

The method that should be taken is one that informs the holder of the vagina, usually in a subtle manner, that The Cocksman is interested in forming a union between The Cock and the vagina, and, if the holder of the vagina is agreeable to this proposition, she will show interest in a way that encourages The Cocksman to advance the relationship. When signs are given by the holder of the vagina, The Cocksman, if he desires, should artfully progress the relationship to the next level. While there are some slight variations on this for different situations, it is the general rule.

The prohibited method of pursuing the vagina has two main variations, The Puppy Dog and The Caveman, both equally shameful. The Puppy Dog method is one where a non-Cocksman finds a holder of the vagina and, through both body language as well as spoken language, shows her, and all observers, that he's willing to do anything, including sacrificing his manhood, to be with her. The Puppy Dog obeys the holder of the vagina's every command and paints himself as desperate and pathetic and is almost never successful. The Caveman has some similarity, in that The Caveman refuses to leave the holder of the vagina alone, but The Caveman doesn't conceal his intentions at all. No matter what the signals the holder of the vagina gives out, The Caveman presses forward with unwanted touching, uncomfortable conversation and forward crotch pressing in hopes of chipping away at the resistance of the holder of the vagina. The Caveman is sometimes successful with girls with extremely low self esteem, but is seen by his peers as desperate and creepy. Both of these approaches are something no respecting Cocksman would be willing to make, even if they worked one hundred percent of the time, for they are both disgraceful and deplorable.

Example A: While at a school dance, Farmer Ted notices Samantha Baker sitting on the bleachers, alone, and informs his friends that he is going to make an approach. After repeated rejections, including one where Sam simply walks away while he dances around her, Farmer Ted refuses to take a hint. When Sam steals away some time to think about some family issues in the school's auto shop, Farmer Ted, unable to understand social norms, follows her. Once he wears her down enough to the point where she's willing to have a conversation with him, he ups the ante, and, without any sort of warmup, proceeds to climb on top of her. Not surprisingly, she turns him down, visibly disgusted. Farmer Ted's failure to follow any sort of Cocksman-endorsed system ensures excessive masturbation and the preservation of his virginity.

Example B: Towards the end of their senior year, Blane notices Andie and, after a relaxed chat at the record store she works at, he decides to let her know he's interested. Andie eagerly accepts Blane's proposal to hang out, which Blane recognizes is the natural order of things in that she should be the one aggressively pursuing a relationship with him, not the other way around. Just to make sure she knows who the prime selection is, Blane shows up ridiculously late to their first date. Fearing that he's not all that into her, Andie tears into The Cock like a piece of freshly cooked filet mignon while Blane lays back and lets nature take its course. There's a reason Blane ends up with a hot mouth wrapped around The Cock while Duckie cries himself to sleep that night: Blane's a Cocksman.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

The Cocksman Shall Know The Cock

This happens to be one of the few rules of Cocksmanship that the author of this blog can confidently claim to abide by. Simply put, The Cocksman must maintain an intimate relationship with The Cock, which, at times, requires that The Cocksman focus all of his attention on The Cock. Understandably, when a holder of the vagina is present, The Cocksman may be distracted and should refrain from fully concentrating on The Cock. However, at least three times a week, The Cocksman should turn off his cellular device, let The Cock out into the world and put maximum effort into fully pleasing The Cock.

When engaging in Cock-Cocksman bonding, The Cocksman should avoid viewing pornography. When The Cocksman becomes absorbed in watching erotica, his focus is on the computer, not The Cock, which leaves both The Cock and The Cocksman wanting more from their relationship with each other. Admittedly, there are times of self-stimulation where a person may simply want to achieve orgasm and move on with the day, which is still encouraged, but that is not what this rule is concerned with. The Cocksman should recognize that it isn't necessary to even fantasize when embracing The Cock. The Cocksman may simply caress The Cock while attempting to leave his mind blank or stare in the mirror. The point is that the focus of The Cocksman needs to be on The Cock in order to maintain a balanced and pleasurable relationship.

Example A: Raymond awoke to find himself alone, as Debra had taken Michael and Geoffery to to their soccer game. Uninterested in removing himself from the bed, Raymond laid back, fondled The Cock while focusing on the ceiling until he was satisfied. Raymond congratulated himself on his maintaining a cherished connection with The Cock. Pat yourself on the back, Raymond, you've practiced good Cocksmanship!

Example B: Will began relaying the story of a particularly satisfying mastubatory session with Carlton. Rather than engaging Will or asking for tips, Carlton responded by calling Will a "queer" for spending quality time with The Cock. Carlton stormed off, confused by how difficult it was for him to stop thinking about Will pleasuring himself. Not only is Carlton not a Cocksman, he's also a self-loathing homosexual.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

The Cocksman Shall Apprectiate Both the vagina and its holder, but be Intimidated by Neither

When The Cocksman sees a vagina he covets, he doesn't hesitate. It doesn't matter what the holder of the vagina looks like, if she appears to treat other men poorly or if rejection is nearly guaranteed, The Cocksman still pursues the unification of The Cock and the vagina. The Cocksman realizes that the needs of The Cock outweigh any potential minor setbacks.

While The Cocksman must not shy away from approaching the holder of the vagina, he also must present himself in a way that shows the holder of the vagina how much The Cocksman values the vagina. The Cocksman should not intentionally disrespect the vagina or its holder at anytime before or after intercourse. While friendly jesting is encouraged, violently accosting the holder of vagina with the use of demeaning terms or otherwise humiliating her is strictly prohibited.

Example A: As Niles made his way up to his brother's apartment, he met Lilith in the elevator on her way out. Being a gentlemen, Niles offered Lilith a ride back to her home on the outskirts of town. Lilith accepted. In a matter of minutes, after a series of simple routines, Niles accomplished insertion into Lilith's pale vagina. After completion of the act, Niles began driving Lilith back to her home. Still several miles away from Lilith's, Niles pulled over and asked her to make sure the gas tank was properly closed. Just as Lilith got out of the car to check, Niles yelled, "You stupid skank!" stomped on the gas pedal and left Lilith disgraced and alone. Has Niles practiced good Cocksmanship? Nay, I say, nay.

Example B: Milhouse sees Lisa riding her bike on Evergreen Terrace and is overcome with a desire to merge The Cock with the vagina. Although he's aroused by the thought of the pleasure he would gain by taking the place of Lisa's bicycle seat, he remains focused on his goal. Even though Lisa has rejected Milhouse numerous times, he is not dissuaded. After a brief interaction and a statement of his intentions, Lisa agrees to allow Milhouse to gain carnal knowledge of her in Bart's treehouse. Following copulation, Milhouse complies with Lisa's request to walk her to the front door and adds on a goodbye kiss to ensure Lisa won't regret her actions. Milhouse then steals Bart's skateboard and carts himself over to Sherri and Terri's to accomplish other Cocksmanlike goals. Milhouse lives and breathes Cocksmanship.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

The Cocksman Shall Appreciate Beauty in its Ugliest Forms

Millionaires are encouraged to donate portions of their wealth, celebrities are pestered to interact with the public and The Cocksman is pushed to engage in sexual philanthropy. There are times when The Cocksman finds himself alone on a Friday night. It may be a situation where there are simply no holders of the vagina that meet his standards or it may be after a brutal rejection. Often, in these instances, The Cocksman will find himself pursued by a lesser creature.

It in these circumstances where The Cocksman has an opportunity to satisfy the desires of The Cock as well as boost the self-esteem of an undesireable. Note that engaging in intercourse with an undesireable occasionally (no more than twice a year) is advocated, but not required. If The Cocksman chooses to pleasure the undesireable, he should be able to find some redeeming quality to point out to his allies. The redeeming quality can be anything from a pretty face to large breasts, but The Cocksman must be able to point to something that justifies his decision.

Example A: Roseanne and Dan had recently divorced and she was pretty depressed. Darlene decided to throw a party to cheer her up. Upon David's arrival, Darlene made it clear that she wouldn't be having sex with David anytime soon. David looked around, saw Becky was gone, and assumed he would be spending the night alone. David found himself sitting in a corner when Roseanne approached him. She needed love, badly, and she wanted David to give it to her. David reached over, felt her enormous breasts, and agreed to her one-night-stand proposition. David has displayed the heart of a true Cocksman.

Example B: Following David's encounter with Roseanne, D.J. begins mocking David and his decision to make love to a large woman. Even when David counters with the "large breasts" justification, D.J. refuses to stop telling people and making fun of David. It appears that D.J. will never grasp the meaning of Cocksmanship.

The Cocksman Shall Use The Cock for Good, not Evil

It is universally accepted that there are ways in which The Cock can be used for evil. The first of these is in a revenge scenario. There are times where The Cocksman will encounter a rival or nemesis and will desire to reek vengeance upon said person by having intercourse with the wife or girlfriend of said person. This is Uncocksmanlike behavior and should not be engaged in.

Another situation where The Cocksman may be tempted to use The Cock for evil is in a "hate-fuck" situation. This refers to a circumstance where The Cocksman finds a holder of the vagina physically attractive, but, otherwise, repulsive. The Cocksman may desire to stick The Cock in her mouth to shut her up or slam into the vagina until it bleeds, but, no matter how tempting, this should not be engaged in.

Example A: Judge Harry and Dan Fielding, as assistant district attorney, had ongoing arguments and genuinely disliked each other. Judge Harry and Christine Sullivan, the public defender, were highly attracted to each other, but couldn't engage in a sexual relationship for ethical reasons. Dan Fielding, knowing of their love for each other, decided to avenge his most recent loss at the hands of Judge Harry by seducing Christine in the elevator. Dan's only motivations for intercourse with Christine were based on hurting Harry. Dan succeeded in his goal and made sure that Harry found out about it. Dan has violated a basic rule of Cocksmanship.

Example B: Jack, Janet and Chrissy had been living together for several years. After such a long time, Chrissy's whining and complaining got on everybody's nerves, including Jack's. It got to the point where Jack was unable to be in the same room as Chrissy for fear that he would punch her in the throat. One night, Chrissy began coming onto Jack. Jack still felt that Chrissy was sexually attractive, but his only reason for engaging in intercourse with her was to shut her up. Jack turned down Chrissy and took a bottle of wine into Janet's room, where they consummated their relationship. This is what Cocksmanship is all about.

The Cocksman Shall Use The Cock for Gratification of All Parties

When The Cocksman enters into an intimate relationship with a holder of the vagina, The Cocksman's goal should not only be on satisfaction of The Cock's desires, but also those of the vagina.

This means that The Cocksman should engage in foreplay, manual stimulation of the vagina and work hard to achieve orgasm for the holder of the vagina. Though not required, oral stimulation of the vagina is encouraged.

The Cocksman should not simply turn over the holder of the vagina, insert his penis and relentlessly blast away until he achieves pleasure. The Cocksman should attempt to hold out as long as necessary to satisfy the holder of the vagina. The Cocksman should also attempt to conform to the requests of the holder of the vagina to make sure that The Cocksman is not thrusting too hard or too soft or minimizing the holder of the vagina's pleasure in any other way.

Example A: After dry streaks by both, Jerry and Elaine make the decision to engage in intercourse in a purely sexual relationship. Within seconds of jumping into bed, Jerry inserts his penis into Elaine's vagina and begins violently pounding away. Elaine quickly fakes an orgasm just as Jerry cums after seven pumps. Jerry lacks The Cocksman gene.

Example B: Sam and Diane both have to work late at the bar. After a couple of drinks, Sam invites Diane into his office, where he manages, through both manual and oral stimulation, to bring her to orgasm three times before she begins begging for The Cock. We should all applaud Sam's Good Cocksmanship.

The Cocksman Shall Share The Cock

Simply put, The Cocksman is not celibate. When The Cocksman finds a person who meets his qualifications, The Cocksman is obligated to share The Cock with her. At times, The Cocksman may desire a few hours of sleep or a couple of games of online poker, but requirements always trump desires. If the opportunity for intercourse arises with a holder of the vagina who meets The Cocksman's standards, The Cocksman must encourage the holder of the vagina to explore The Cock.

Example A: Zach and Kelly spend their summer working at the beach. One night, Kelly suggests a walk to watch the sunset. Just as the sun hits the water, Kelly begins giving off clear signs that she would like to experience The Cock. However, Zach has plans to spy on Lisa with Screech in less than an hour. Zach decides on intercourse with Kelly, but promises himself he will let Screech smell his finger. Zach clearly has Cocksman blood coursing through his veins.

Example B: Donna's parents are out of town one night, so she invites Eric over. Donna has been lusting after Eric for a number of weeks and it's clear what her intentions are. Unfortunately, Star Wars is opening the same night, so Eric has a dilemma on his hands. Eric chooses to see Star Wars with Hyde and Fes instead of meeting Donna. Poor Cocksmanship Eric, simply poor Cocksmanship.

The Cocksman Shall Respect The Cock

This is the first, and most important, rule of Cocksmanship. Respecting The Cock, in this rule, has two distinctly different meanings.

First, The Cock should be ready for presentation at all times. The Cocksman should never be embarrassed about the condition of The Cock. The Cocksman should

The Cocksman shall regularly wash The Cock- This ensures a cleanly look and smell for any person who has the pleasure of coming in contact with The Cock. Additionally, washing The Cock shows The Cock how much The Cocksman appreciates The Cock.

The Cocksman shall trim the hair surrounding The Cock. The Cocksman must keep pubic hair length under three quarters of an inch at all times. The logic behind this is that it is both practical and aesthetic. Practically, The Cock should not have to deal finding its way through a jungle of pubic hair at anytime. The Cock should be as comfortable as possible at all times. Aesthetically, The Cock looks bigger, cleaner and healthier when proper trimming has occurred.

Second, The Cock should be protected. Harm to The Cock can occur in a variety of ways. First, should The Cock enter an unclean vagina, The Cock may end up with an array of diseases. To guard against this, The Cocksman should use a prophylactic when infiltrating an unfamiliar and possibly diseased vagina. Second, The Cock should not be exposed to unnecessary dangers such as knives, chainsaws or cigar cutters.


Example A: Daniel met Alli on the beach during a soccer game. Immediately, they hit it off. Alli pulled Daniel behind a nearby rock, pulled down his sweatpants to expose a trimmed, sweet smelling penis. Alli is happy to put it in her mouth. Mr. Miagi watched from afar. Daniel has displayed good Cocksmanship.

Example B: Doc and Marty become bored when the Dolorian breaks down. While sitting the garage trying to figure out something to do, Doc suggests playing a version of five finger fillet, but with penises. Marty agrees and volunteers to go first. Marty is clearly underserving of Cocksman status.