Thursday, July 24, 2008

The Cocksman Never Stops Exploring

The Cocksman recognizes that vaginas can be found all over the world in a variety of situations and he must press his way into that new vaginal territory. The Cocksman knows that different holders of vaginas are found in a large assortment of not only areas, but also circumstances. As previously stated, The Cocksman values diversity, and the chance to interact with a new species of vagina makes his heart quiver. The Cocksman recognizes it is his duty to pursue these vaginas as if they were filled with sunshine and candy canes. Fight on, Cocksmen!

I should make it clear that The Cocksman thrives on adventure, not only of the vaginal category, but all kinds. When The Cocksman is offered an opportunity of new sights, new experiences and possibly new vaginas, he does not let it pass him by. There are several reasons why The Cocksman is so deadset on embarking into uncharted waters. First, The Cocksman simply loves to blaze new trails. There is just something in his blood that pushes him onward. Second, The Cocksman is on a neverending quest in search of the perfect vagina. The Cocksman knows that in this hunt, he must leave no stone unturned, no pubes uninspected, if he his to have any hope of success. Finally, exploration and adventure make The Cocksman a more captivating person to all people and their genitalias, which is a major component of Cocksmanship. The Cocksman should be able to win over any group with his charm, tales of exploration and unabashed sexuality. It is for all of these reasons that The Cocksman never stops exploring.

Example A: The last thing Bran wanted to do was run around with Mikey, Data, Chunk and Mouth, but when he found out they were going on a treasure hunt and that Andy, the hot cheerleader, was going to be there, he set off to following them. No obstacle was going to keep him from participating, not even being tied to a chair or having the air let of his bike tires. When he finally caught up with them, they were headed into the tunnels under the Fratelli's house. Bran knew that going underground to chase after the treasure wasn't a safe bet, but he knew there was potential for this to be a caper for the ages, as well as a chance to steal Andy's heart and maybe get into her panties. It'll be no surprise to you that everything worked out for Bran as he handled himself like a true Cocksman.

Example B: Gary and Wyatt were working on creating a computer program that would design the perfect woman. Partway through, they agreed that this was too much power for them to have as it would certainly create some wild times, which they weren't up to handling. They decided to destroy the program and never speak of it again. As a result, they never made Lisa, she never confronted Chet, there was no rager and the boys never got girlfriends, all because of their lack of Cocksmanship at an early age.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Cocksman Always Has Options

Like a good poker player, The Cocksman makes sure that he has outs in case things don't go according to plan. While there are times when The Cocksman will pledge himself to one vagina, it normally isn't enough to keep him happy. The Cocksman must keep in mind that said vagina may move on to another Cock or it may simply dry up, forcing him to head to other vaginal territories. Knowing of this possibility, The Cocksman always keeps a vagina on the back burner.

The manner in which The Cocksman accomplishes this interesting task is quite simple. The Cocksman maintains a flirting relationship with a variety of vagina holders, always keeping them interested, but never giving in to temptation until the time is right. This includes keeping a friendly association with the holders of those vaginas who The Cocksman has previously entered, as he knows they often lust for the satisfaction that only The Cocksman can give. When it is time for The Cocksman to header for less bushy pastures, he calls upon whichever of these vaginas he finds most desireable and, if rejected, simply works his way down the list. It may be difficult to maintain this type of lifestyle, but that's the duty of The Cocksman.

Example A: John had been banging Nancy for several years, but he still had concerns about the possibility of her returning to Dale. To entice the other ladies around town, he continued working out, kept providing massages and migraine treatements to the women of Arlen and rocking the Jeep Wrangler. When Nancy finally headed back to her husband, Charlene, who Bill had been chasing, moved in with John and gave him all the vagina he could handle. John was satisfied in how following the path of The Cocksman had paid off.

Example B: Gomez was understandably obsessed with Morticia and her neatly trimmed vagina. He failed to maintain any sort of relationship with any woman not a member of his family while engaged in this relationship. One day, he realized he had grown tired of her increasingly stretched vagina (which he later learned was due to an ongoing affair with Lurch) and decided to move on. Unfortunately, his failure to obey a most basic rule of Cocksmanship resulted in an extended dry streak as he was forced to warm up various holders of vaginas from the very beginning. He swore to himself he'd never challenge the code of The Cocksman again.

The Cocksman Shall Not Disguise His Intentions

From the first interaction with a holder of the vagina, The Cocksman exudes a raw sexual energy. The Cocksman does this primarily with his eyes, body language and his oral statements. The eyes of The Cocksman will look up and down the holder of the vagina's body, make eye contact with her, then shoot the glance back down to the vagina and hold it for three seconds, which has been to known to cause an instantaneous full-body orgasm. The body language of The Cocksman is laid back, sending out a "come hither" vibe combined with a message of fertility. The statements The Cocksman make let the holder of the vagina know that The Cocksman finds her attractive and will allow her to make a temporary home on The Cock if she so desires. These statements can range from "you're looking sexy" to "I can tell you want me to take off my pants" and everything in between. These three things, eyes, body language and spoken statements are critical to The Cocksman's success.

This sexual energy of The Cocksman ensures that the holder knows where, if she chooses, her vagina is headed. There are no mistakes about the beginning of a friendly relationship or other non worthwhile endeavors. The Cocksman lays his cards on the table and lets the holder of the vagina make her move. Often, her move is shoving the cards onto the floor and engaging in intercourse with The Cocksman on the table.

Example A: Bo and Daisy were stuck in the barn waiting for Luke to arrive when Bo commented on how nicely Daisy's shorts seemed to be fitting. After an extended glance, a little smirk, Daisy responded with, "Bo, are you hitting on me?" Startled, Bo quickly came up with an explanation and denied it even though he had wanted to bang Daisy since they were nine years old and learned that it was okay for third cousins to have sex. Disappointed, Daisy and turned her back and waited for her next session with Uncle Jesse. Bo's inability to step up to the plate and be a Cocksman forced him into another moonshine induced masturbation session in the back of The General Lee.

Example B: Six barged into the Russo's house and hurriedly asked where Blossom was. Joey informed her that Blossom was out learning to drive with her dad. Disappointed, Six turned to leave, but Joey caught her by the hand and informed her that, although her new hat with some sort of fruit on the front of it looked good, it would look even better at the foot of his bed. With that, he led her upstairs, and, without a word exchanged (with the exception of a "whoa" here and there), they engaged in a passionate round of love making that actually managed to slow down Six's famed fast talking. Whoa Joey, that was Cocksmanly!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Cocksman Values Diversity

In this rule, diversity should be applied in two ways. First, The Cocksman appreciates a variety of holders of vaginas that differ in important ways. Second, The Cocksman thrives on different types of sexual activity. We'll tackle each aspect in a separate paragraph.

It's not uncommon to encounter a person who has very specific requirements for a qualified holder of the vagina (e.g. skinny white girls). While The Cocksman can respect the qualities of the women with these requirements, he also recognizes that many different types of holders have different things to offer. The Cocksman would liken this approach to restricting himself to one type of holder of the vagina forever to restricting oneself to one type of food forever. While the spiciness of a Latina/burrito is great at times, The Cocksman understands that the richness of a Chicken Marsala/Italiana or the freshness of a Dragon Roll/Japanesa can offer equally wonderful, unique experiences.

Some people live by the cliche' "If it ain't broke, don't try to fix it." The Cocksman thinks those people are idiots. If The Cocksman lived his life in that way, he'd still be stuck with Missionary intercourse for the rest of his days. While Missionary is fun here and there, The Cocksman realizes that other positions, as well as other types of sexual activity, offer different types of satisfaction and help to keep interactions with holders of the vagina interesting.

Example A: After Winnie starts her job as a lifeguard, Kevin got a job at the furniture store. Based on his more recent conversations with Winnie, it's pretty obvious that she's got something else going on, but Kevin refuses to give up. When one of the hotter saleswomen at the furniture store pulled Kevin in for a kiss and offered up The Union of The Monkey as a starting point, he replied "No thanks, cowgirl with Winnie is the only way for me." Paul was so disappointed with Kevin's vaginamanship that he stole a page out of Wayne's book and smacked him in the back of head while berating him for being such a "butthead."

Example B: While Alex had a reputation for being extremely conservative in politics, it definitely was not the case when it came to the ladies. He wanted all kinds, except anybody who resembled Mallory. He knew what he wanted, so he performed a stakeout operation on the exchange students. In no time, he had a new girl for every night of the week who brought fresh foods, new positions and a renewed freakiness. In the end, he was so successful that Jay-Z wrote "Girls, Girls, Girls" as an homage to APK. That's cocksmanship fo' real.

Friday, June 27, 2008

The Cocksman shall use his Cockvision appropriately

Much like a Pro Bowl Running Back, a Cocksman uses his field vision to make the most of every situation. When walking down the street, The Cocksman keeps his eyes peeled waiting for signals for holders of vaginas indicating their interest. Potential signs include slight touches, extensive eye contact or laughing at bad jokes. When The Cocksman uses his Cockvision and picks up these signs, he makes the most of the opportunities presented to him.

On top of making the most of every situation wherever he is at, The Cocksman does his best to immerse himself in areas where there will be maximum acceptable vaginas. Again, referring to the running back simile, it's like following his blockers to ensure he makes it to the end zone. This means that, instead of hanging out in the free weight area of the gym , The Cocksman would head to the beach or college campus to maximize potential intercoursal relations. Cockvision is obviously much more valuable when there are more vaginal prospects about.

Example A: Brad kept pestering Randy to go down to the arcade for a Street Fighter II Tournament. Reluctantly, Randy went along even though he knew that the only chance he had of hooking up there was with that one Asian chick whose brother who lives on the DDR machine. On the way over, Randy noticed a group of girls heading to the school dance. He pleaded with Brad to skip the arcade and go with them, but Brad really wanted to show Mark and some of the guys that he could beat anyone with Ryu. After a quick victory over Blanca, Brad was entranced and couldn't be disturbed. Once Randy realized this, he snuck out the side door and bailed to the school dance where he ended up fingering one of the cheerleaders that Brad had been wanting to hook up with. Cocksmanship takes work, and it looks like the effort Randy put in is paying dividends.

Example B: Jimmy and Sheen were hanging out playing with Sheen collection of UltraLords when Cindy and Libby showed. Cindy put her hand on top of Jimmy's and made some comments about how she wanted to show Jimmy how she used a "special new invention I found in my mom's top drawer." Unfortunately, Jimmy was too focused on Sheen's newest action figure and failed to recognize these not so subtle signs. Jimmy's Cockvision is clearly not 20/20.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

The Cocksman Shall Always Be Prepared

A Cocksman realizes that holders of vaginas appear at all different times and it's not always possible to know when one is looking to fill said vagina. It is for this reason that the Cocksman is always ready for an encounter with a desirable holder of a vagina. Nothing frustrates The Cocksman more than destroying the possible chance for intercourse with a prospect purely as a result of unpreparedness.

Preparation, in this rule, is in reference to acting, dressing and embodying what it is to be a Cocksman at all times. Essentially, The Cocksman practices good Cocksmanship everywhere he goes. It doesn't matter whether he's hungover, on his way to the gym or heading to a club, The Cocksman is ready. In addition to the possible vaginal opportunities, The Cocksman recognizes that he represents all his fellow Cocksmen when he enters a public arena and, by defining himself as a Cocksman, he has inherently promised to properly represent them everywhere he goes.

Example A: Following a light night hookup with Jan at the local Chili's, Michael headed back to his condo. He knew he had to meet with his realtor, Carol, the following morning at 9 am to sign some mortgage documents. Although he had been out late with Jan and was understandably worn out, Michael set his alarm for 7:30 am, woke up, showered, trimmed his pubes, put on his fun jeans, a tight t-shirt and sprayed a bit of Nightswept onto himself. Not surprisingly, the paper signing turned into getting a coffee, which, a couple of hours later, led to a "nooner." Practicing good Cocksmanship has its benefits.

Example B: Frank had noticed that he was catching eyes from both Jenna and Liz, but had yet to make a move on either in hopes he could bag both. Following the Friday TGS show, Frank found himself staying late to work on Tracy's pornographic video game when Jenna knocked on the door. Although he was tired, it was clear Jenna was ready for action and he wasn't going to disappoint her. Following the intercourse, they both headed to their separate homes. The next morning, Frank awoke, put on his "Extra Cheese" hat and drug himself to the local diner for some eggs and coffee. Surprisingly enough, he ran into Liz, who, when she saw him from a distance, began doing her sexy walk in hopes of seducing him. However, when she got closer, she saw that Frank was unshaven, unshowered and she swore she could smell Jenna's unfresh vagina all over his moustache. Immediately, she made up an excuse about having to meet a friend at the movies and swore to herself she'd never touch Frank's penis. Frank, you're a disgrace to Cocksmen everywhere.

Friday, May 30, 2008

The Cocksman shall facilitate the use of a fellow Cock

The Cocksman understands the importance of regular Cock usage, not only with respect to his own Cock, but also the Cocks of his allies. There are times when a Cocksman sacrifices his chances at entering a vagina in hopes of benefiting a fellow Cock. It must be noted that there is a major difference between failing to sabotage a fellow Cock and facilitating its use. Failure to sabotage just means not actively destroying chances of another Cock, while facilitation involves more of a conscious and active effort by The Cocksman to help his ally achieve insertion.

There are a basically two methods of facilitation that a Cocksman can use to promote the use of a fellow cock. First is the affirmative method. Essentially, the Cocksman will provide his ally with advice about what to do as well as doing things to make the ally look good, such as talking the ally up to the targeted holder of the vagina. The second method is more passive and known as the yielding method. When using the yielding method, The Cocksman just tries to get out of the way to allow his ally to work by doing things like leaving the ally and the holder of the vagina alone and neglecting to interact with either. Both methods are well respected in all legitimate Cocksmanship circles.

Example A: Cory had been interested in Topanga since they had been lab partners in Mr. Feeney's sixth grade class. Cory's best friend, Shawn, was well known as the Cocksman of the school and was always there for Cory. Shawn, after watching Cory embarrass himself on repeated occasions, decided to take control. Topanga came over for one of Eric's parties, where Shawn counseled Cory on what to say, isolated Topanga and told her of some of Cory's wonderful qualities (affirmative). Eventually, Shawn suggested that he, Cory and Topanga check out Cory's pet hamster in his room. When they were all safely inside, Shawn excused himself to the bathroom, never to return (yielding). In a matter of minutes, Cory had his hands on Topanga's wonderfully developed boobies, all thanks to Shawn. Cory's lucky to have a Cocksman like Shawn for a friend.

Example B: SpongeBob, Patrick and Sandy were all hanging out at SpongeBob's pineapple watching "The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy" when it became clear that SpongeBob was making a move on Sandy. Patrick noticed that SpongeBob kept inching closer to Sandy on the couch and repeatedly touching her leg and realized he was finally doing what he had talked about for so long. However, Patrick loved this particular episode of "Mermaid Man" and refused to excuse himself even after SpongeBob pleaded for him to while Sandy was in the bathroom. Patrick, if I was your father, I would disown you for your egregious failure to practice the most basic, simple rules of Cocksmanship.