Sunday, April 27, 2008

The Cocksman shall recognize the worth of The Cock

The Cocksman needs to understand that while vagina is fun, The Cock is number one. The Cocksman need not, and will not, chase after vagina as though somewhere within that sweetly scented compartment lies the secret to enlightenment. The Cocksman understands that The Cock is the true prize and should be treated accordingly. Now, some of you may be confused, so let me clarify. I certainly don't mean that The Cocksman is actually a homosexual who is after The Cocks of others. I just mean that The Cocksman is aware of the fact that the holder of the vagina is getting just as much, probably more, out of the envisioned intercoursal relationship. The Cocksman must pursue the vagina, to a degree, but there is a fine line between showing he is intrigued with the possibility and appearing desperate, a line which The Cocksman should never even approach, for toeing that line is certain to, eventually, put him into uncocksmanlike territory.

The method that should be taken is one that informs the holder of the vagina, usually in a subtle manner, that The Cocksman is interested in forming a union between The Cock and the vagina, and, if the holder of the vagina is agreeable to this proposition, she will show interest in a way that encourages The Cocksman to advance the relationship. When signs are given by the holder of the vagina, The Cocksman, if he desires, should artfully progress the relationship to the next level. While there are some slight variations on this for different situations, it is the general rule.

The prohibited method of pursuing the vagina has two main variations, The Puppy Dog and The Caveman, both equally shameful. The Puppy Dog method is one where a non-Cocksman finds a holder of the vagina and, through both body language as well as spoken language, shows her, and all observers, that he's willing to do anything, including sacrificing his manhood, to be with her. The Puppy Dog obeys the holder of the vagina's every command and paints himself as desperate and pathetic and is almost never successful. The Caveman has some similarity, in that The Caveman refuses to leave the holder of the vagina alone, but The Caveman doesn't conceal his intentions at all. No matter what the signals the holder of the vagina gives out, The Caveman presses forward with unwanted touching, uncomfortable conversation and forward crotch pressing in hopes of chipping away at the resistance of the holder of the vagina. The Caveman is sometimes successful with girls with extremely low self esteem, but is seen by his peers as desperate and creepy. Both of these approaches are something no respecting Cocksman would be willing to make, even if they worked one hundred percent of the time, for they are both disgraceful and deplorable.

Example A: While at a school dance, Farmer Ted notices Samantha Baker sitting on the bleachers, alone, and informs his friends that he is going to make an approach. After repeated rejections, including one where Sam simply walks away while he dances around her, Farmer Ted refuses to take a hint. When Sam steals away some time to think about some family issues in the school's auto shop, Farmer Ted, unable to understand social norms, follows her. Once he wears her down enough to the point where she's willing to have a conversation with him, he ups the ante, and, without any sort of warmup, proceeds to climb on top of her. Not surprisingly, she turns him down, visibly disgusted. Farmer Ted's failure to follow any sort of Cocksman-endorsed system ensures excessive masturbation and the preservation of his virginity.

Example B: Towards the end of their senior year, Blane notices Andie and, after a relaxed chat at the record store she works at, he decides to let her know he's interested. Andie eagerly accepts Blane's proposal to hang out, which Blane recognizes is the natural order of things in that she should be the one aggressively pursuing a relationship with him, not the other way around. Just to make sure she knows who the prime selection is, Blane shows up ridiculously late to their first date. Fearing that he's not all that into her, Andie tears into The Cock like a piece of freshly cooked filet mignon while Blane lays back and lets nature take its course. There's a reason Blane ends up with a hot mouth wrapped around The Cock while Duckie cries himself to sleep that night: Blane's a Cocksman.

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