Sunday, March 9, 2008

The Cocksman Shall Know The Cock

This happens to be one of the few rules of Cocksmanship that the author of this blog can confidently claim to abide by. Simply put, The Cocksman must maintain an intimate relationship with The Cock, which, at times, requires that The Cocksman focus all of his attention on The Cock. Understandably, when a holder of the vagina is present, The Cocksman may be distracted and should refrain from fully concentrating on The Cock. However, at least three times a week, The Cocksman should turn off his cellular device, let The Cock out into the world and put maximum effort into fully pleasing The Cock.

When engaging in Cock-Cocksman bonding, The Cocksman should avoid viewing pornography. When The Cocksman becomes absorbed in watching erotica, his focus is on the computer, not The Cock, which leaves both The Cock and The Cocksman wanting more from their relationship with each other. Admittedly, there are times of self-stimulation where a person may simply want to achieve orgasm and move on with the day, which is still encouraged, but that is not what this rule is concerned with. The Cocksman should recognize that it isn't necessary to even fantasize when embracing The Cock. The Cocksman may simply caress The Cock while attempting to leave his mind blank or stare in the mirror. The point is that the focus of The Cocksman needs to be on The Cock in order to maintain a balanced and pleasurable relationship.

Example A: Raymond awoke to find himself alone, as Debra had taken Michael and Geoffery to to their soccer game. Uninterested in removing himself from the bed, Raymond laid back, fondled The Cock while focusing on the ceiling until he was satisfied. Raymond congratulated himself on his maintaining a cherished connection with The Cock. Pat yourself on the back, Raymond, you've practiced good Cocksmanship!

Example B: Will began relaying the story of a particularly satisfying mastubatory session with Carlton. Rather than engaging Will or asking for tips, Carlton responded by calling Will a "queer" for spending quality time with The Cock. Carlton stormed off, confused by how difficult it was for him to stop thinking about Will pleasuring himself. Not only is Carlton not a Cocksman, he's also a self-loathing homosexual.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

The Cocksman Shall Apprectiate Both the vagina and its holder, but be Intimidated by Neither

When The Cocksman sees a vagina he covets, he doesn't hesitate. It doesn't matter what the holder of the vagina looks like, if she appears to treat other men poorly or if rejection is nearly guaranteed, The Cocksman still pursues the unification of The Cock and the vagina. The Cocksman realizes that the needs of The Cock outweigh any potential minor setbacks.

While The Cocksman must not shy away from approaching the holder of the vagina, he also must present himself in a way that shows the holder of the vagina how much The Cocksman values the vagina. The Cocksman should not intentionally disrespect the vagina or its holder at anytime before or after intercourse. While friendly jesting is encouraged, violently accosting the holder of vagina with the use of demeaning terms or otherwise humiliating her is strictly prohibited.

Example A: As Niles made his way up to his brother's apartment, he met Lilith in the elevator on her way out. Being a gentlemen, Niles offered Lilith a ride back to her home on the outskirts of town. Lilith accepted. In a matter of minutes, after a series of simple routines, Niles accomplished insertion into Lilith's pale vagina. After completion of the act, Niles began driving Lilith back to her home. Still several miles away from Lilith's, Niles pulled over and asked her to make sure the gas tank was properly closed. Just as Lilith got out of the car to check, Niles yelled, "You stupid skank!" stomped on the gas pedal and left Lilith disgraced and alone. Has Niles practiced good Cocksmanship? Nay, I say, nay.

Example B: Milhouse sees Lisa riding her bike on Evergreen Terrace and is overcome with a desire to merge The Cock with the vagina. Although he's aroused by the thought of the pleasure he would gain by taking the place of Lisa's bicycle seat, he remains focused on his goal. Even though Lisa has rejected Milhouse numerous times, he is not dissuaded. After a brief interaction and a statement of his intentions, Lisa agrees to allow Milhouse to gain carnal knowledge of her in Bart's treehouse. Following copulation, Milhouse complies with Lisa's request to walk her to the front door and adds on a goodbye kiss to ensure Lisa won't regret her actions. Milhouse then steals Bart's skateboard and carts himself over to Sherri and Terri's to accomplish other Cocksmanlike goals. Milhouse lives and breathes Cocksmanship.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

The Cocksman Shall Appreciate Beauty in its Ugliest Forms

Millionaires are encouraged to donate portions of their wealth, celebrities are pestered to interact with the public and The Cocksman is pushed to engage in sexual philanthropy. There are times when The Cocksman finds himself alone on a Friday night. It may be a situation where there are simply no holders of the vagina that meet his standards or it may be after a brutal rejection. Often, in these instances, The Cocksman will find himself pursued by a lesser creature.

It in these circumstances where The Cocksman has an opportunity to satisfy the desires of The Cock as well as boost the self-esteem of an undesireable. Note that engaging in intercourse with an undesireable occasionally (no more than twice a year) is advocated, but not required. If The Cocksman chooses to pleasure the undesireable, he should be able to find some redeeming quality to point out to his allies. The redeeming quality can be anything from a pretty face to large breasts, but The Cocksman must be able to point to something that justifies his decision.

Example A: Roseanne and Dan had recently divorced and she was pretty depressed. Darlene decided to throw a party to cheer her up. Upon David's arrival, Darlene made it clear that she wouldn't be having sex with David anytime soon. David looked around, saw Becky was gone, and assumed he would be spending the night alone. David found himself sitting in a corner when Roseanne approached him. She needed love, badly, and she wanted David to give it to her. David reached over, felt her enormous breasts, and agreed to her one-night-stand proposition. David has displayed the heart of a true Cocksman.

Example B: Following David's encounter with Roseanne, D.J. begins mocking David and his decision to make love to a large woman. Even when David counters with the "large breasts" justification, D.J. refuses to stop telling people and making fun of David. It appears that D.J. will never grasp the meaning of Cocksmanship.

The Cocksman Shall Use The Cock for Good, not Evil

It is universally accepted that there are ways in which The Cock can be used for evil. The first of these is in a revenge scenario. There are times where The Cocksman will encounter a rival or nemesis and will desire to reek vengeance upon said person by having intercourse with the wife or girlfriend of said person. This is Uncocksmanlike behavior and should not be engaged in.

Another situation where The Cocksman may be tempted to use The Cock for evil is in a "hate-fuck" situation. This refers to a circumstance where The Cocksman finds a holder of the vagina physically attractive, but, otherwise, repulsive. The Cocksman may desire to stick The Cock in her mouth to shut her up or slam into the vagina until it bleeds, but, no matter how tempting, this should not be engaged in.

Example A: Judge Harry and Dan Fielding, as assistant district attorney, had ongoing arguments and genuinely disliked each other. Judge Harry and Christine Sullivan, the public defender, were highly attracted to each other, but couldn't engage in a sexual relationship for ethical reasons. Dan Fielding, knowing of their love for each other, decided to avenge his most recent loss at the hands of Judge Harry by seducing Christine in the elevator. Dan's only motivations for intercourse with Christine were based on hurting Harry. Dan succeeded in his goal and made sure that Harry found out about it. Dan has violated a basic rule of Cocksmanship.

Example B: Jack, Janet and Chrissy had been living together for several years. After such a long time, Chrissy's whining and complaining got on everybody's nerves, including Jack's. It got to the point where Jack was unable to be in the same room as Chrissy for fear that he would punch her in the throat. One night, Chrissy began coming onto Jack. Jack still felt that Chrissy was sexually attractive, but his only reason for engaging in intercourse with her was to shut her up. Jack turned down Chrissy and took a bottle of wine into Janet's room, where they consummated their relationship. This is what Cocksmanship is all about.

The Cocksman Shall Use The Cock for Gratification of All Parties

When The Cocksman enters into an intimate relationship with a holder of the vagina, The Cocksman's goal should not only be on satisfaction of The Cock's desires, but also those of the vagina.

This means that The Cocksman should engage in foreplay, manual stimulation of the vagina and work hard to achieve orgasm for the holder of the vagina. Though not required, oral stimulation of the vagina is encouraged.

The Cocksman should not simply turn over the holder of the vagina, insert his penis and relentlessly blast away until he achieves pleasure. The Cocksman should attempt to hold out as long as necessary to satisfy the holder of the vagina. The Cocksman should also attempt to conform to the requests of the holder of the vagina to make sure that The Cocksman is not thrusting too hard or too soft or minimizing the holder of the vagina's pleasure in any other way.

Example A: After dry streaks by both, Jerry and Elaine make the decision to engage in intercourse in a purely sexual relationship. Within seconds of jumping into bed, Jerry inserts his penis into Elaine's vagina and begins violently pounding away. Elaine quickly fakes an orgasm just as Jerry cums after seven pumps. Jerry lacks The Cocksman gene.

Example B: Sam and Diane both have to work late at the bar. After a couple of drinks, Sam invites Diane into his office, where he manages, through both manual and oral stimulation, to bring her to orgasm three times before she begins begging for The Cock. We should all applaud Sam's Good Cocksmanship.

The Cocksman Shall Share The Cock

Simply put, The Cocksman is not celibate. When The Cocksman finds a person who meets his qualifications, The Cocksman is obligated to share The Cock with her. At times, The Cocksman may desire a few hours of sleep or a couple of games of online poker, but requirements always trump desires. If the opportunity for intercourse arises with a holder of the vagina who meets The Cocksman's standards, The Cocksman must encourage the holder of the vagina to explore The Cock.

Example A: Zach and Kelly spend their summer working at the beach. One night, Kelly suggests a walk to watch the sunset. Just as the sun hits the water, Kelly begins giving off clear signs that she would like to experience The Cock. However, Zach has plans to spy on Lisa with Screech in less than an hour. Zach decides on intercourse with Kelly, but promises himself he will let Screech smell his finger. Zach clearly has Cocksman blood coursing through his veins.

Example B: Donna's parents are out of town one night, so she invites Eric over. Donna has been lusting after Eric for a number of weeks and it's clear what her intentions are. Unfortunately, Star Wars is opening the same night, so Eric has a dilemma on his hands. Eric chooses to see Star Wars with Hyde and Fes instead of meeting Donna. Poor Cocksmanship Eric, simply poor Cocksmanship.

The Cocksman Shall Respect The Cock

This is the first, and most important, rule of Cocksmanship. Respecting The Cock, in this rule, has two distinctly different meanings.

First, The Cock should be ready for presentation at all times. The Cocksman should never be embarrassed about the condition of The Cock. The Cocksman should

The Cocksman shall regularly wash The Cock- This ensures a cleanly look and smell for any person who has the pleasure of coming in contact with The Cock. Additionally, washing The Cock shows The Cock how much The Cocksman appreciates The Cock.

The Cocksman shall trim the hair surrounding The Cock. The Cocksman must keep pubic hair length under three quarters of an inch at all times. The logic behind this is that it is both practical and aesthetic. Practically, The Cock should not have to deal finding its way through a jungle of pubic hair at anytime. The Cock should be as comfortable as possible at all times. Aesthetically, The Cock looks bigger, cleaner and healthier when proper trimming has occurred.

Second, The Cock should be protected. Harm to The Cock can occur in a variety of ways. First, should The Cock enter an unclean vagina, The Cock may end up with an array of diseases. To guard against this, The Cocksman should use a prophylactic when infiltrating an unfamiliar and possibly diseased vagina. Second, The Cock should not be exposed to unnecessary dangers such as knives, chainsaws or cigar cutters.


Example A: Daniel met Alli on the beach during a soccer game. Immediately, they hit it off. Alli pulled Daniel behind a nearby rock, pulled down his sweatpants to expose a trimmed, sweet smelling penis. Alli is happy to put it in her mouth. Mr. Miagi watched from afar. Daniel has displayed good Cocksmanship.

Example B: Doc and Marty become bored when the Dolorian breaks down. While sitting the garage trying to figure out something to do, Doc suggests playing a version of five finger fillet, but with penises. Marty agrees and volunteers to go first. Marty is clearly underserving of Cocksman status.